SOCIAL AWARENESS
More Celebrity Shit
I said I wouldn’t but I must
I wrote a long post yesterday and then deleted it, because I wasn’t going to share on celebs anymore.
And I won’t.
I’m not commenting on personalities.
Principles only moving forward.
What I can say is … I also went and looked at video testimony yesterday, because this whole thing never rang true for me… I mean, surely other women would’ve stepped up by now if there was a real history of this?
And I have a special interest in abuse and the psychology of such.
I believe him.
But I also gave this whole thing a lot of thought and I came up with this…
I believe her too, despite honestly not liking her much.
My aversion is my stuff, however, and I’m now observant enough to acknowledge this.
Both the history and this kind of behaviour is scary and off putting.
And hey… I also behaved like a total asshole at times, when I was drinking tons of alcohol. I didn’t like that “me” at all either.
My understanding of these “relationships” goes like this…
There are toxic relationships and there are abusive relationships.
There’s a difference.
And it’s really important to define this.
While people can be abusive in toxic relationships because these revolve around two individuals acting their own trauma out unconsciously, which can be violent and messy (especially when there are drugs/substances involved) …
these do not make either individual pathologically or clinically abusive themselves, as a person.
ie. the two individuals “spark” these reactions/behaviours in each other and, together, they act out the abusive cycle.
People assume abusers, narcissism (or even strong traits of narcissism) and the move towards the heavier side of sociopathic (which ARE abusive because they both ENJOY hurting people and need to act out in abusive ways to feel okay/in CONTROL) look like the kind of behaviour they are hearing about in this court case.
They don’t.
While some of the behaviour is abusive…
real physical, emotional and psychological abuse is more about POWER and CONTROL than random messy fights, shitty drama and the obvious trauma causing all of the chaos.
Real abuse is far more calculated and, even logistically, planned.
It is cleaner. It is ongoing and it is, most often, not clearly or obviously recognisable.
A proper abuser would NEVER expose themselves in public (like pitching up screaming in a front yard etc) — it’s not how the personality “works”.
So while the behaviour may be abusive, the personality may not, if this makes sense.
Regardless…
I don’t think accusing anybody of domestic violence / abuse is okay either way if it enables anyone playing the victim to avoid accountability for their own shit.
Or win a court case.
And I also feel strongly about people throwing the word “narcissist” around these days because it worsens the situation for victims.
More often than not, toxic relationships are hurtful (yes), damaging and destructive (hell, yes), messy, unconscious (mostly), often substance fuelled…
and work both ways.
Both parties are re-enacting some unresolved childhood developmental/relational trauma, family dysfunction and attachment stuff.
We’ve all had those types of tumultuous relationships, right?
At a variety of levels from “passionate” to fucking unbearable or even crazy making.
Yeah … I’ve had a few.
Mostly me trying to rescue addicts with strong narcissistic traits, from themselves, due to my own trauma and resultant codependence.
Traits are different to full blown anything though.
We ALL have traits of narcissism and we can ALL be abusive at times.
Guilty as charged.
Especially when I was drunk, got “triggered” and the old stuff came up.
Stopping the alcohol eight odd years ago was the best thing I ever did, by the way. Highly recommended.
I had quite a few of these “toxic relationships” while I was partying on, though.
I’ve also had one PROPER mentally and emotionally abusive relationship and I can share this…
it looks (and feels) very little like what we’re being given a glimpse of in the media right now.
Unless Mr Depp is acting.
Which he is really good at to be fair…
Once again we will never know and it’s not a good idea to suppose, postulate and share ignorant opinions based on our own reactions (or possible trauma).
Especially with regards to legal matters…
I’ve often thought about how my own personal circumstances could have been improved, if this kind of thing were dealt with more appropriately and with more awareness.
This because proper abusive personalities are notoriously good liars and manipulators.
They have a lack of concern for ethics, or principles, and an almost awe inspiring audacity that gives them the ability to stand in a court of law and lie blatantly and fearlessly.
Possibly because they think they’re so much smarter than anyone else, that they won’t get caught.
Thing is…
they usually don’t.
“Normal” people can’t imagine someone having the audacity to do this type of thing.
And they can’t image someone being malevolent or off-kilter enough to actually enjoy causing other people pain.
Our own naivety and generally encouraged popular belief in “love and light”, in “truth and justice” and all that good stuff…
make some horrors just seem implausible to most of us.
Yet these things are not as uncommon as we seem to believe.
With a decent lawyer it’s possible to, literally, get away with murder these days.
So what does one do, in court case situations, with personalities that are actually the real deal (the proper narcs/sociopaths)?
How can a system of justice, that’s already completely fucked … because money and sharks and forgotten ethics and principles… be made to work well enough to protect actual victims of proper abusers who will NEVER fully allow a victim to thrive, progress or even get away?
Because they are compelled to maintain power and control over that victim at all costs, right?
Proper abuse isn’t about a hectic fight involving abusive behaviours because everyone is running on alcohol fuelled adrenalin and PTSD, or whatever…
it is an obsessive, compulsive need to maintain POWER and CONTROL over another human being.
It’s very different.
And so are the personalities who are the real deal. And, chances are, you’re not going to spot them easily at all.
So how can a court even assist?
My solution was this… maybe… possibly.
There are rules. There are laws. They are there for a fucking reason. And if we just stuck to them less people would get hurt.
Seriously.
We have courts that don’t work; magistrates who are corrupt and biased; smooth lawyers who will stop at nothing to get a “win” for a client so they can bill even higher rates; shit heads who can afford to pay people to work the system and lie in court for them; and fucking unethical, greedy professionals who can be bought for expert testimony.
ANYTHING coming in from inside a court room is, in fact, not even believable anymore.
Why we would still be naïve enough to believe “court testimony” these days is questionable. Why we would choose to stay stuck in the delusion that people don’t lie in court is bizarre.
Talk about dreaming, huh?
Perhaps it’s because we yearn for the days we had principles and ethics and actually fucking walked them.
I’m still hearing Michael Jackson on the radio and in stores, by the way. This has also been bothering me for years.
So we loathe children being hurt but fuck his music is catchy, huh?
Super!
Principles. Values.
We need to actually walk ’em for anything to work.
Please.
It does matter if they’re black or white.
Principles are the only things that should be black or white, in fact.
Maybe if we stopped listening to stories and looked ONLY at behaviour/actions and the motivation behind these.
Maybe if we addressed only the behaviours that break actual laws in courtrooms, instead of focusing on personalities and the inevitable drama of human communication and interaction gone awry…
would this not make things more clear and more simple to address in cases like these?
Like… well… you smashed someone with a pot plant. That is assault so we’re going to hold you accountable for that. Please don’t do that anymore, okay?
Or… you lied in court. That’s perjury. So we’re going to hold you accountable for that. You can’t lie in court. That means the whole system fails epically and we can’t have that, okay? You’re going to need to stop doing that, please.
Actually holding people accountable for any broken laws in an itemised list would be the most sensible way forward, because I can share one thing…
an abuser WILL repeat the behaviour until they get “seen” or are “caught”.
Listing actual legally broken laws and keeping that list handy, might stop ongoing abuse and domestic violence.
Or at least force people to reconsider their behaviour and take relevant action to change it if necessary if they are just being stupid.
Which would really help everybody heal.
Score!
But as things stand… with clever lawyers, media consultants, purchased psychiatrists and badly trained professionals…
anybody can get away with anything they fucking like in a court of law.
And no proper abuser is ever going to reveal themselves.
Focus on the actions. The behaviours. The history and repetition of these.
And only on the ones they can be held accountable for legally because they’ve broken actual laws or violated human rights.
Black or white. You hit him. Or you didn’t. You threatened her spouse. Or you didn’t.
Oh — you did? Well… we have these things already listed in this great Act/Bill of Rights thing we wrote some time ago and it says you can’t do that mmmkay?
We’re going to mark you as guilty on that one and keep it on this list here.
Stop doing that, please.
I honestly believe this is the only way to protect those, who actually do need protecting, considering the nature of this particular beast and the current mess in the system of (non) justice.
We need to talk about cases like these and I’m only doing this because I also wondered why nobody on social media had opened dialogue on this situation, while the Oscar bullshit created a frenzy.
I thought, “Domestic Violence. THAT’s why. Nobody wants to talk about it. And THAT’s why people never get out. And that’s why people die.”
So I’m really glad this came up on my feed today.
To the person who shared on this topic, thanks for being courageous enough to have the hard conversations and inspiring me to write today when I should have been trying to find a regular gig to pay da bills.
If you enjoyed this you may also enjoy these:
Help me buy a van, get a laptop that actually works, travel the countryside and make more stuff. Or just do what makes you happy as long as you’re not hurting anyone. Or yourself.
